In the last installment of this series, we looked at how to cultivate the right mindset to find common ground solutions when it comes to interpersonal conflict. I talked about how people are often so focused on winning an argument that they forget to consider what winning in the big picture looks like. This one mindset shift creates massive waves in helping people navigate conflict. This week we’ll look at another specific approach to navigating conflict: setting clear and specific goals and expectations.
At times thinking through what winning looks like can be challenging, it’s rarely objective, and oftentimes, involves weighing different factors in tandem. Additionally, the actual interpersonal conflict itself may not directly point to what winning should look like. It involves a deeper analysis to understand where the root cause of the current frustration might be coming from and work to identify how to solve or correct the root problem.
Let’s look at an example. In working out challenges with a customer at one of my businesses, one of my managers came to me and asked what I thought they should do, reluctant as I was to give an answer, I could tell they could not see past the idea of wanting to prove they were right and the client was wrong. I started by acknowledging that objectively, the customer was wrong. While not important to achieving their goal, recognizing this fact relieved some tension that allowed them to see past this right and wrong concept that they were hung up on. After acknowledging that the client had indeed changed their mind on what they wanted us to do just as fast and as often as the wind changes directions, I paused and asked them, does that really matter? What would they gain by getting the client to agree that they have been engaging in different and random changes in direction? The answer was nothing, there was nothing for them to gain in taking this path other than proving they were right and the client was acting erratically.
So I asked them what winning looks like here. Winning for them was gaining an agreement around direction and expectations. With that in mind, we talked through how best they could get there, what the client’s perspective might be and where they might have to give the client a win so that the client could feel good about the desired outcome. This meant for them, not proving the client wrong in a specific talking point about one employee’s engagement level with this customer, but instead reaffirming the commitment that this employee is and will continue to spend their full time and attention working with this customer. This small win allowed the client to feel good about setting up a meeting to put the goals and expectations into writing where both parties would mutually agree and also that any future changes would only happen after a conversation was had between the two of them with those changes also mutually agreed to in writing. As you can see, by rejecting this notion that you have to prove the other party wrong and yourself right, they were able to achieve their larger goal with a much more impactful outcome for them, their team, and the customer. Taking some time to understand where the challenge was coming from led to the uncovering of what really winning should look like and how staying focused on this goal would accomplish much more for the long term, not just in the relationship with the client, but in not having to spend time in the future resolving other manifestations of the same challenge.
The best wins are those that propagate themselves in such a way as to solve future issues before they ever arise, thus saving you time, energy and angst. In this way, getting the client to agree in writing on expectations and outcomes, meant never again would this manager have to spend time around the ever-changing expectations of this client. If for some reason they choose to engage in this behavior in the future, this manager could simply answer with, “that is not what the agreed to expectations and outcomes are, but I am happy to meet and make changes if you think we should update them.” Even with this response the client is reminded of the agreement they already made and now has to make a decision, do I want to change the expectations I agreed to or not, and either way I cannot hold my service provider to expectations that were never discussed or agreed to (because I agreed I would not do this), and they will invariable back down and come to the realization that they and not you were out of line.
Another way to think about what winning looks like is by creating a clear and specific goal that meets both parties needs, and if possible, solves future challenges that could arise. Like most things that are hard, this process is not linear or objective. This often involves asking many questions such as: what is causing the other party to feel the way they do, what agreements or expectations are not aligned, what do I really want, what questions should I be asking the other person, where does the behavior (both yours and theirs) really come from, what beliefs do both you and the other person hold that might need to change, etc. The key is not in asking the same questions every time or following a linear process, but in creating the awareness in yourself to explore what you should be seeking instead of the short-lived feelings of being proved right. You won’t get this right every time, but I guarantee, to the degree, you can pause and create a moment of reflection and awareness, is the degree you will find yourself with an increased ability to pursue an actual win and not just a superficial win of feelings.