In this series, I write about these questions: what does winning look like and why should this matter?
This one question has done wonders for me as well as created tremendous teaching opportunities for my team. This concept I apply to several areas of my work, but the one I want to speak to is one that is hard for most to gain an objective perspective on.
Humans in general tend to be blind to the things they do not want to see, especially those things they don’t want to see in themselves. For this reason, objective self-awareness is something that most work on, but like climbing that mountain of success, there is no summit. Because objective self-awareness is hard, and at times impossible in the moment, having a compass to know when you are off track can be helpful. This is especially important when faced with a challenge that involves either wholly or partially interpersonal conflict.
Whether it’s conflict with a co-worker, family member, vendor, or client the common pitfalls all look the same, and defining your specific goal will allow you to understand how roadblocks will manifest themselves, which in turn, will allow you to find success or the desired outcomes you want more often.
This week, we’ll start with the first of three aspects of a repeatable process that can help you win based on the big picture and avoid petty disagreements that derail everyone involved. The first topic is all-around mindset.
Mindset
I often have coaching conversations about this idea when someone has to engage with another person and tension exists. This tension is created by a difference in opinion, expectation, outcome, or decision. Very often we all rush to prove to the other person that we are right and they are wrong and in doing so get caught up in the desire to show the other person our “rightness,” losing sight of what winning looks like. This idea of being right is oftentimes at odds with achieving our goal. However, that’s not how we construct the conversation in our heads.
The conversation we usually have with ourselves goes something like this: “If I can show them that I am right and they are wrong, then I can get them to agree with my perspective and I will reach the outcome I desire.” Seems logical.
But in trying to convince others we are right we often need to show them how their thinking is flawed and if they follow it through it will lead to an outcome that is not aligned with the greater good or what we want. This internal conversation then leads to us preparing our case like we are an attorney in a trial. We lay out our points of where our thinking is correct/better and where theirs is flawed. We are so focused on proving to the other party that we are right and they are wrong, but is that really what we want, is that really what winning looks like? It seldom is.
This is why through all the uncomfortable and confrontational interactions we must have, we very rarely achieve our goal. This occurs for two reasons, the first being the best outcome is one that both parties can feel good about, and I have rarely seen an instance where directly proving someone is wrong leads to this. Secondly, on the road to proving you are right, the other person will need to admit they are wrong. Even if the evidence you present is undeniable, it won’t force them to admit they are wrong. This is a choice only they have and counting on someone else to vocalize they were wrong is never a bet I am willing to make.
Most importantly through this entire line of thinking we never actually stopped to consider what we want, and how proving we are right might actually make it harder, not easier, to get to a winning outcome.
When you are faced with working through a challenge involving other people, instead of jumping right into the internal conversation of asking how can I prove that I am right, begin to understand what is your desired goal outside of being right. Maybe it’s an agreement on a desired decision or outcome, maybe it’s an agreement on how to move forward with a challenging situation, or an agreement on process creation. From that goal, work backwards and start thinking about what you need to say and do to achieve your goal. This is called beginning with the end in mind. The act of working backwards will create visibility and perspective as to the other person’s point of view.
Seeing the current challenge through their eyes will afford you the opportunity to find the best outcome both parties can agree on, and also show you how to navigate the conversation. Very often on the journey towards achieving your goal when dealing with interpersonal conflict, it is not about right and wrong, but about the best possible outcome that both parties can feel good about. Getting to this place will very often take humility, even when you know you are right. This is because to help the other person feel good about the outcome, you will have to give, whether it’s accepting a part of what they say or letting them win a minor sticking point or disagreement because proving you are right is not the point, getting a winning outcome is.